What is it about death that brings out the ugliness of the living? There's been no talk of a will yet, no cash payouts anywhere at this point. The roller coaster ride of Lewy Body I thought had reached a stop, instead the car just changed direction and speed.
The family I generally have to tolerate for a couple of hours on Christmas Day, I now have had the experience of seeing 24/7 since Wednesday. If not with them face to face, I've listened to endless hours of conversation.
It was made very clear to me that I AM NOT a part of this family, I'm guessing I must have just been an intern. One relative, whom I already struggle with small talk with, walked away mid sentence without a word to retrieve something. Another relative thought it a good time during a trip to the mortuary to ask sordid details of my childhood. In essence I was told I turned out OK for an adoptee, how DID I work through all of my issues? When I walked away, which I did on several occasions I was followed, with questions ranging from were you molested as a child? How severe was the abuse? How did you come to terms with all of this? All the while, my significant other thought it was nice to see his aunt and I bonding, so he hated to break in.
I'm dealing with the death of a man, who at one time lived with me, hated me for some time, but finally learned to tolerate me. I've calmed him down during hallucinations, where he saw a plane crash in the living room, I've helped feed him, change his diapers. Towards the end, I helped carry him from chair to couch to bed to table. Now that he's gone, EVERYONE is full of kudos for all that THEY contributed to his care. One had only visited him once in the last 10 years, yet was thanked for all her support.
I've been pushed aside. I'm left to assume I was merely an intern, because to be hired help, I would have been compensated. Instead, I've been kicked to the side, while they BASK in the light of their greatness.
By Sunday, I was exhausted, I needed an escape. I found out, a locked dementia ward is hardly the place to hide. After leaving the chaos of family drama, I was met with residents who sadly enough have no one visiting them. One woman frantically waiting for her ride, sending me off to contact someone to find out their time of arrival, another adamant that they had left the oven on. I was able to walk divert their attention when I said I was going to get oven mitts. One even tried to escape herself. When I heard a caregiver say her name, I was able to help her turn around and return to the dining room.
On most days I would have sadness for those individuals abandoned by family, however, today I was quite envious of their situation. I'm afraid of the meetings to discuss any financial windfalls for people. Their sense of guilt and insecurity knowing they threw their family member to the side, sure shined through showing some true, deep down ugliness. I must have been exhausted from the blinding light of their true self showing through. I KNOW it wasn't their halos.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Selective Stupidity is a Dysfunction Not a Disorder
I know I should be a pro at handling manipulative personalities. I faced Family Court repeatedly until one judge FINALLY told my ex to stop trying to use the system to harass me. I've watched teacher drool over a man showing up at school to make sure my sons' shoelaces were tied, while rolling their eyes at me for ONLY putting together a school yearbook. I've watched while a loved one slips away and his own daughter claims she didn't show up because her brother seems to WANT to handle everything. I still haven't a clue how to battle it and WIN. Sure, I have a wicked tongue, am the Queen of grudges, and have mastered silent treatment for a short reprieve from their games, but key terms here, SHORT REPRIEVE, not CURE.
Although I have plaques, email, spoken, formal and informal accolades for a job well done, I have a thorn in my side. The latest, I found out through a very upset, angry caller, while they were blowing off steam, that apparently I must be a untrustworthy moron, because I hadn't bothered to change an outdated voicemail greeting on my phone. It threw me off a bit, put me off guard, and left me feeling embarrassed by this apparent lack of attention to detail.
So, after apologizing to the woman, I decided to figure out what she could have possibly meant by her jabs. Lo and behold, I went to voicemail on my phone, going to settings. Instead of being the greeting that took some time to reach my acceptance, it was a stranger's voice, giving information for a different department, lacking relevance to the group I work with.
Well, I've dealt with this culprit now for almost two years, I've talked to her, email, formal letters, conferences. No matter what approach it seems to be forgotten or just fallen on deaf ears to begin with. I decided, this time would be different. I'll kill her with kindness. Isn't that what my mom always told me? So, I send her a Thank you note, for taking on the duty of updating my voicemail greeting, however, possibly should she choose to do this again, maybe, just maybe she might mention it. In return I receive this apologetic, "It will NEVER happen again" response. I hate those, because I feel bad when I think I might have hurt someone's feelings.
Today, I find an email from this woman, delegating my job to me, with the comment of I KNOW you LIKE to be aware of all that is happening, so I'm passing this along in case you want to do something with it. If and when I confront her on this, I know, as she's done repeatedly, for WAY TOO Long, she'll shrug, giggle and say she didn't mean it. She'll get yet another hand holding meeting to make sure she feel okay, and this pattern will just continue on.
You'd figure with unemployment figures being as high as they are at the moment, that maybe, JUST MAYBE companies would tire of these individuals that suck the life out of an organization, put morale in the gutter, while they pick off effective, efficient, team players through frustration.
I just don't understand. IF there is a method of battling this behavior and truly make it stop, please, PLEASE let me in on the secret. Selective stupidity is NOT a disorder, it's merely creates dysfunction. Help me make the madness STOP!!
Although I have plaques, email, spoken, formal and informal accolades for a job well done, I have a thorn in my side. The latest, I found out through a very upset, angry caller, while they were blowing off steam, that apparently I must be a untrustworthy moron, because I hadn't bothered to change an outdated voicemail greeting on my phone. It threw me off a bit, put me off guard, and left me feeling embarrassed by this apparent lack of attention to detail.
So, after apologizing to the woman, I decided to figure out what she could have possibly meant by her jabs. Lo and behold, I went to voicemail on my phone, going to settings. Instead of being the greeting that took some time to reach my acceptance, it was a stranger's voice, giving information for a different department, lacking relevance to the group I work with.
Well, I've dealt with this culprit now for almost two years, I've talked to her, email, formal letters, conferences. No matter what approach it seems to be forgotten or just fallen on deaf ears to begin with. I decided, this time would be different. I'll kill her with kindness. Isn't that what my mom always told me? So, I send her a Thank you note, for taking on the duty of updating my voicemail greeting, however, possibly should she choose to do this again, maybe, just maybe she might mention it. In return I receive this apologetic, "It will NEVER happen again" response. I hate those, because I feel bad when I think I might have hurt someone's feelings.
Today, I find an email from this woman, delegating my job to me, with the comment of I KNOW you LIKE to be aware of all that is happening, so I'm passing this along in case you want to do something with it. If and when I confront her on this, I know, as she's done repeatedly, for WAY TOO Long, she'll shrug, giggle and say she didn't mean it. She'll get yet another hand holding meeting to make sure she feel okay, and this pattern will just continue on.
You'd figure with unemployment figures being as high as they are at the moment, that maybe, JUST MAYBE companies would tire of these individuals that suck the life out of an organization, put morale in the gutter, while they pick off effective, efficient, team players through frustration.
I just don't understand. IF there is a method of battling this behavior and truly make it stop, please, PLEASE let me in on the secret. Selective stupidity is NOT a disorder, it's merely creates dysfunction. Help me make the madness STOP!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Only 15 years and 90 hours to go...
I just came across a quote recently that said it's only the first 40 years of parenting that are difficult. Great, that means I still have so many more to go before I can have a true evaluation of the job done. My son is soon to be 15, believe in about 90 hours from now, according to his calculations. I love the boy dearly, but as I've probably mentioned many times before, he can warm or crush my heart so easily depending on the situation.
Last night he had one of his "You really said that out LOUD?" moments. He's always been one that may have a short circuit between brain and mouth. I know, because I've spent COUNTLESS, PAINFUL hours at schools over the years behind this syndrome. He is probably a typical teenager, phone in one hand, computer in the other, texting friends from noon til nightfall. He chose to mention to me at 11:30PM that he needed to wash clothes. Needless to say my reaction wasn't the Donna Reed type motherly response, but more suitable for One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. He then proceeded to tell me that this was MY FAULT because if I had bought him MORE clothes at the beginning of the school year, I would somehow have avoided this dilemma now occurring. Hearing that caused the quote about mother's eating their young, and it made sense to me.
When does brand conscious begin. I have a child that willingly, wants nothing more than to walk around in sweat pants and tee-shirts, the other would walk around in hockey pants and gear 24/7 given the opportunity. This one, however, is VERY brand conscious. What he seems to forget in his moments is that his brothers can create an entire wardrobe with the cost of one outfit for him. Between skater jeans, shoes and tee-shirts, especially those he feels only worthy or ready to fall apart every 6-8 weeks. For his birthday, he needed a new cell phone. Again, his renewal was up, and he could have chosen a phone that would have been inexpensive, but instead wants an iPhone.
Before an argument could ensue, his comments must have circulated back to his brain, and he quickly decided to detour off the path of self-destruction he was heading. Thank God for both of us. So, now with his birthday countdown I'm beginning my own...in a mere 15 years and 90 hours, I may find out if I was successful in this whole parenting role. My only hope now, is that WE survive long enough to find out.
Last night he had one of his "You really said that out LOUD?" moments. He's always been one that may have a short circuit between brain and mouth. I know, because I've spent COUNTLESS, PAINFUL hours at schools over the years behind this syndrome. He is probably a typical teenager, phone in one hand, computer in the other, texting friends from noon til nightfall. He chose to mention to me at 11:30PM that he needed to wash clothes. Needless to say my reaction wasn't the Donna Reed type motherly response, but more suitable for One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. He then proceeded to tell me that this was MY FAULT because if I had bought him MORE clothes at the beginning of the school year, I would somehow have avoided this dilemma now occurring. Hearing that caused the quote about mother's eating their young, and it made sense to me.
When does brand conscious begin. I have a child that willingly, wants nothing more than to walk around in sweat pants and tee-shirts, the other would walk around in hockey pants and gear 24/7 given the opportunity. This one, however, is VERY brand conscious. What he seems to forget in his moments is that his brothers can create an entire wardrobe with the cost of one outfit for him. Between skater jeans, shoes and tee-shirts, especially those he feels only worthy or ready to fall apart every 6-8 weeks. For his birthday, he needed a new cell phone. Again, his renewal was up, and he could have chosen a phone that would have been inexpensive, but instead wants an iPhone.
Before an argument could ensue, his comments must have circulated back to his brain, and he quickly decided to detour off the path of self-destruction he was heading. Thank God for both of us. So, now with his birthday countdown I'm beginning my own...in a mere 15 years and 90 hours, I may find out if I was successful in this whole parenting role. My only hope now, is that WE survive long enough to find out.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Time to Grow Up, Let Go!
During a recent visit to an elderly friend, I saw photos all over the room of his granddaughter. In any normal situation that would be expected, however, since the child's birth others have bought gifts for the girl since her mother wanted NOTHING to do with her father.
As his health has declined over the last few years, everyone has pitched in to assist with his care. He's lived with us for a time, then came to visit weekly. Now that he is reaching the final stages of his condition, his daughter has visited him once, after thinking it was all made up, exaggerated to get her attention. She showed up with pictures of her daughter, whom he doesn't recognize or remember. He cannot remember his daughter's name at this point because the distance has been so long between them.
I was appalled when I walked in to find pictures she supplied, yet the photo he's had for years of his mother, is set sideways on a table behind a box of tissue, while her daughter is on display for all to see.
How can people live with themselves when they have absolutely no substance at all. Everything in life to them is a SHOW. That's what I see when I think of her. I'm angry with her because my family has put their lives on hold to care for HER father, without even a thought to involve herself. The only involvement I've seen is when there is an audience, when others might think badly of her behavior. More so than angry, I feel sorry for her. She thinks the world revolves around her existence. She believes the world falls for her public persona, that the world is HER stage.
I can say from experience, that losing a parent with unresolved issues is a painful path to take. Lack of closure wounds deep, and for some doesn't heal. I know that we'll be hearing from her after her father is gone, wondering what happened. Until now, everyone has given her the pity she is looking for, listened to her excuses for not being there in a time of need, all the while talking about her, wondering what happened to her. I don't envy her or anyone in that situation, but I have no compassion for those whose own selfish behavior leads them to this position in life. I've been very clear, that I won't say anything to her, but I don't plan to help pick up the pieces for her self-induced, destructive ways.
I would hope that people would realize sometimes there are no second chances, and actions DO SPEAK LOUDER than your words. If found in this situation, don't fool yourself into believing that everyone is falling for your world of make believe. Realize YOU are the fool, not everyone else. Better yet, get over whatever it is that happened in the past, let it go, and forgive. Try to hold onto the notion that they did the best they could with what they had at the time as there is no way to turn back the hands of time.
As his health has declined over the last few years, everyone has pitched in to assist with his care. He's lived with us for a time, then came to visit weekly. Now that he is reaching the final stages of his condition, his daughter has visited him once, after thinking it was all made up, exaggerated to get her attention. She showed up with pictures of her daughter, whom he doesn't recognize or remember. He cannot remember his daughter's name at this point because the distance has been so long between them.
I was appalled when I walked in to find pictures she supplied, yet the photo he's had for years of his mother, is set sideways on a table behind a box of tissue, while her daughter is on display for all to see.
How can people live with themselves when they have absolutely no substance at all. Everything in life to them is a SHOW. That's what I see when I think of her. I'm angry with her because my family has put their lives on hold to care for HER father, without even a thought to involve herself. The only involvement I've seen is when there is an audience, when others might think badly of her behavior. More so than angry, I feel sorry for her. She thinks the world revolves around her existence. She believes the world falls for her public persona, that the world is HER stage.
I can say from experience, that losing a parent with unresolved issues is a painful path to take. Lack of closure wounds deep, and for some doesn't heal. I know that we'll be hearing from her after her father is gone, wondering what happened. Until now, everyone has given her the pity she is looking for, listened to her excuses for not being there in a time of need, all the while talking about her, wondering what happened to her. I don't envy her or anyone in that situation, but I have no compassion for those whose own selfish behavior leads them to this position in life. I've been very clear, that I won't say anything to her, but I don't plan to help pick up the pieces for her self-induced, destructive ways.
I would hope that people would realize sometimes there are no second chances, and actions DO SPEAK LOUDER than your words. If found in this situation, don't fool yourself into believing that everyone is falling for your world of make believe. Realize YOU are the fool, not everyone else. Better yet, get over whatever it is that happened in the past, let it go, and forgive. Try to hold onto the notion that they did the best they could with what they had at the time as there is no way to turn back the hands of time.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The New DT's; they are not pretty
DT’s are commonly known as “the shakes”. They happen when someone is withdrawing from alcohol as well as other drugs. Bad, bad things…I would never, EVER make fun of such a dilemma. The DT’s I’m speaking of would be those Deslxyic taggers. If you can not spell the word properly, don’t pick up spray paint to send a message.
It costs people money to clean up your mess. Have you not seen the budget crisis lately? Most of the taggers probably aren't concerned at this point about the financial impact of their actions.
Honestly, what’s the point. What is the purpose of vandalizing property? The
"rush"? Please, someone explain this to me. I'll be sure to disguise your voice, blue out your face, whatever it takes to get the answer to that Million Dollar question.
Take all that free time you have, and enroll in an English class…grammar IS important. Help us all!
It’s an eyesore. Unless you are a MC Eichler, Norman Rockwell, Thomas Kinkade, I can assure you there are NO art collectors waiting to "FIND" you and offer you an exhibit.
How can you possibly hope for respect, if you are the laughing-stock of the entire ommunity?
If you plan on pursuing a life of vandalizing public property with spray paint, the least you can do is pick up a dictionary to assure you are expressing yourself in the best grammatical fashion. Without that your "talent", message, whatever you choose to call it falls on deaf ears.
It costs people money to clean up your mess. Have you not seen the budget crisis lately? Most of the taggers probably aren't concerned at this point about the financial impact of their actions.
Honestly, what’s the point. What is the purpose of vandalizing property? The
"rush"? Please, someone explain this to me. I'll be sure to disguise your voice, blue out your face, whatever it takes to get the answer to that Million Dollar question.
Take all that free time you have, and enroll in an English class…grammar IS important. Help us all!
It’s an eyesore. Unless you are a MC Eichler, Norman Rockwell, Thomas Kinkade, I can assure you there are NO art collectors waiting to "FIND" you and offer you an exhibit.
How can you possibly hope for respect, if you are the laughing-stock of the entire ommunity?
If you plan on pursuing a life of vandalizing public property with spray paint, the least you can do is pick up a dictionary to assure you are expressing yourself in the best grammatical fashion. Without that your "talent", message, whatever you choose to call it falls on deaf ears.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)