What is it about death that brings out the ugliness of the living? There's been no talk of a will yet, no cash payouts anywhere at this point. The roller coaster ride of Lewy Body I thought had reached a stop, instead the car just changed direction and speed.
The family I generally have to tolerate for a couple of hours on Christmas Day, I now have had the experience of seeing 24/7 since Wednesday. If not with them face to face, I've listened to endless hours of conversation.
It was made very clear to me that I AM NOT a part of this family, I'm guessing I must have just been an intern. One relative, whom I already struggle with small talk with, walked away mid sentence without a word to retrieve something. Another relative thought it a good time during a trip to the mortuary to ask sordid details of my childhood. In essence I was told I turned out OK for an adoptee, how DID I work through all of my issues? When I walked away, which I did on several occasions I was followed, with questions ranging from were you molested as a child? How severe was the abuse? How did you come to terms with all of this? All the while, my significant other thought it was nice to see his aunt and I bonding, so he hated to break in.
I'm dealing with the death of a man, who at one time lived with me, hated me for some time, but finally learned to tolerate me. I've calmed him down during hallucinations, where he saw a plane crash in the living room, I've helped feed him, change his diapers. Towards the end, I helped carry him from chair to couch to bed to table. Now that he's gone, EVERYONE is full of kudos for all that THEY contributed to his care. One had only visited him once in the last 10 years, yet was thanked for all her support.
I've been pushed aside. I'm left to assume I was merely an intern, because to be hired help, I would have been compensated. Instead, I've been kicked to the side, while they BASK in the light of their greatness.
By Sunday, I was exhausted, I needed an escape. I found out, a locked dementia ward is hardly the place to hide. After leaving the chaos of family drama, I was met with residents who sadly enough have no one visiting them. One woman frantically waiting for her ride, sending me off to contact someone to find out their time of arrival, another adamant that they had left the oven on. I was able to walk divert their attention when I said I was going to get oven mitts. One even tried to escape herself. When I heard a caregiver say her name, I was able to help her turn around and return to the dining room.
On most days I would have sadness for those individuals abandoned by family, however, today I was quite envious of their situation. I'm afraid of the meetings to discuss any financial windfalls for people. Their sense of guilt and insecurity knowing they threw their family member to the side, sure shined through showing some true, deep down ugliness. I must have been exhausted from the blinding light of their true self showing through. I KNOW it wasn't their halos.
