Parents Revenge

Hear ye, hear ye, all of you parents struggling with the terrible two’s or twenty’s. I have gathered some valuable information to help you through your trials and tribulations.

It’s amazing how a weekend with an elderly woman can create such enlightenment. There is much to be learned from our elders. Personally, I have experienced a profound attitude adjustment towards my children and all of the chaos they create. I was able to see the similarities between the two age groups, and can tell you that the second childhood is very real.

A weekend of errands with grandma can teach you so much. It begins as such a simple request, usually brought up after mentioning that she needs your signature on a legal document. It’s a blur of fine print with the word Beneficiary at the top. That is her trap. Once you sign on that dotted line, you belong to her.

You say to yourself, it can’t be that difficult taking her to the store? So you tell her “No problem.” You place her gently in the front seat; fold the wheelchair and walker, loading them in the trunk. Drive two blocks in 104°temperatures to the drug store. You unload the trunk; unload grandma, who is apprehensive due to a recent fall. She is grabbing your arm so tightly you can feel your pulse. You then explain, much like you would to a two year old, that under no circumstance is she to leave this spot until you return. Now to park the car; the parking lot is packed, after what seems an eternity, a space finally opens up. You hike back half a mile to accompany her through the store. You relish in the cool air-conditioned environment. Not so bad you think.

Before fully catching your breath, she brandishes her list, which resembles your son’s list to Santa, scribbled in random order as things came to her aging mind. After grabbing the toothbrush and moving onto aspirin, she reaches denture cream on the list. After backtracking several times through the store, you yank the paper from her hands, and refuse to leave the aisle until the list is completely scanned repeatedly to assure no other items are needed.

Your adventure does not stop here. After four hours are spent in the drug store, it is time to reload the car and drive back to her apartment. You unload her wheelchair and walker, which by now feel like a Sherman Tank. You carry her from the car. You then return to carry a trunk full of purchases up to the door.

At this point she discovers the lack of space in her house. This requires strategic mapping to assure the safe storage of the store’s inventory to avoid a late night phone call telling you there’s been an terrible accident caused by a poorly stored heating pad falling from a shelf.

Next stop, the grocery store. Another list is presented, but after your experience you convince her to stay behind and rest, as she exclaims, “I’m exhausted”. Sweat is dripping from your face, and she’s tired? She follows up with guilt that only a mother knows; “I wouldn’t need to get so many things if you came to visit more often.”

When planning for our Golden Years, most of us think of our financial and medical needs. We make sure that our 401K plans are earning the best possible return and all necessary policies are in place. Although very prudent, these are merely pieces of a well-designed retirement, but not a complete plan. Think outside the box. Financial planning is a tool to assure that revenge against our children has a much higher return.

I studied the manipulation that took place last weekend, and am making mental notes for my revenge while the experience is still fresh in my mind. The best part is that medical breakthroughs are extending our quality of life, allowing us much more free time to aggravate those sweet, innocent children of today for many more years to come.

If they choose to fight and argue amongst themselves for a video game controller, I can now sit calmly with a smirk on my face. I’ll be contemplating my countless, passively irritating visits to the stores, which will require their assistance. Age causes the mind to fade; thoughts are not as clear as in years past, which can and will lead to my lapse of memory of the store layouts. My random lists of items to retrieve if planned well in advanced will lead them on more challenging scavenger hunts than they ever experienced in childhood and will cause more aggravation than I ever endured with their endless whining, complaining and arguing. Just the thought of it makes the worst tantrum or meltdown a bit more tolerable. So if you happen to see a screaming child in the store, and his mom is composed, with a slight grin on her face, rest assured she is merely planning for her future.

Mother of All Monarchs

Most children have fond memories of pets they've owned and cared for. In our house, we've experienced this to an extreme by most any rational person's understanding. How many households in America can say they've been the proud parent of a fly trainer.

The strangest experience has to be Mouzer. Our feline friend has come to realize she does have a staff, her humble servants. This, the same cat that used to be happy with a huge bowl of food and water filled a week at a time, now refuses to touch any food that has been out for more than one hour. Why should she? She has three boys that are at her beckon call.

It has to throw prospective visitors when they enter, hearing three otherwise normal boys meowing to a cat, as she orders them around.

The usual day for our Mother of all Monarchs begins by leading one of her many servants to either the front door to decide if the weather is acceptable for basking in the sun, or maybe to the kitchen for breakfast followed by lounging on a patio chaise.

I thought it just my kids that had lost their mind, but even the most adamant self-proclaimed cat haters have been caught speaking Mouzer's native tongue. I believe our royal subject would be startled should she venture out far enough where people spoke in the gibberish language we know as English.

It's odd, what starts out as a pet, takes over our hearts and house, ruling with a furry paw. Our Queen has just awoke from her deep slumber, and is searching the house for a humble servant to bow to her royal commands.

Gone But Never Forgotten

It's always a shock to the system to run into a ghost from our past. Recently I ran into an elderly gentleman at the gym who looked so much like my long lost grandfather. Grandpa was the most loved individual taken from me when I was a young child. Although he passed many years ago, I still see signs of him usually on the anniversary of his passing, and usually when I pause from the chaos of a normal day to remember him. He has shown me pictures in the clouds, a happy thought, or just a calm happy feeling. Never have I seen anyone who resembled his physical form in all of these years. Just seeing the man at the gym filled me with a happiness from my youth. It made me drift down memory lane.

Grandma and Grandpa lived halfway between school and home. Every Friday afternoon I stopped by to visit. He seemed to wait for my arrival. We would venture across the street to the neighborhood candy store, where we chose something from all of the many types of sweets available. As a child, it felt like a trip to visit Willie Wonka. I still cherish those simple memories of time spent with Grandpa.

Seeing him at the gym the other day, my eyes lit up much like they did on those careless Friday afternoons. To me, it was yet another sign that although no longer here, he always remains close to my heart.

Each and everytime a departed loved one has made their presence known to me, it has brought a sense of relief or answers. It's also brought a sense of calm to my hectic world.

What Promise?

Inquiring minds must know, what is all the hype about Promises Treatment Center? Can they still have any affiliation with any 12 step organization, if so How? Having experienced recovery myself over 15 years ago, I actually find the exploits of Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears appalling. Rehabilitation already has a taboo associated with it, without lowering the experience using these two poster children for Generation Meds. What exactly have they done to deserve this limelight? Wrecking cars, claiming to be the picture of abstinence, lip-syncing? How did this become the inspiration for today’s youth?

We can see especially in the case of LiLo, that the dysfunction can spread. What would be the consequence for any other mother tripping on her child’s coattail, escorting her underage child into the club scene? Oh, they’d surely have a social worker knocking on their door performing welfare checks on the other children in her care. It would also seem to me that some authority would be checking on these clubs that are ever present in the tabloids allowing alcohol consumption to such an extreme.

Recovery is a very serious venture, never to be taken lightly. Sure, maybe not everyone is ready on his or her first attempt, but most don’t check out of a treatment center to catch the first flight out to Las Vegas.

Again it seems just a pathetic attempt to victimize their situation, to avoid being held accountable for their actions. “Whoops I Did It Again” seems to be more than just a hit record; apparently it’s a way of life. I would think that if a treatment center is focused on helping those looking for a solution to their addiction, they may be more particular about those they serve, and why? Not all PR is good.

Solution to the Energy Crisis!

I've just solved the world's energy crisis. It was actually quite easy in theory. I've seen a natural form of energy that has endurance, definitely generates heat, works well for cooling, very cost effective especially comparing to the monthly energy bills I've seen lately. Tomorrow I'll begin writing my grant to begin work to harness this energy. Nothing else comes close to comparison.

We need to go simplistic here. For those who remember Flintstones, you can't get much simpler than that, which will now be my spring board for my experiment. Please, before you think I've lost my mind, I know that dinosaurs are extinct, so I'm not thinking of a woolly mammoth dishwasher, or anything ridiculous like that.

After spending the day with nine very active boys, it dawned on me, let's harness some of this hyperactivity rather than medicate it. Win/win if you ask me. No more pesky side effects of unstudied medication, while a more natural energy source, that's available anywhere in the world where hyperactive boys thrive.

Bottle some of their energy. I've seen speeds rarely witnessed in a NASCAR race this weekend. I personally have seen enough of this energy source to supply the state of California just within five blocks of my house. It's the most cost effective solution I can think of. No more warring factors over the world's oil supply, no more bragging rights for Chevron at their board meetings.

I'm off to begin writing my grant and begin recruiting great scientific minds to help with this solution. I'll keep all those who visit here in mind when it's time to roll out a pilot program.